There is nothing more refreshing than the smell of the ocean. Calmly watching wave after wave crash and wash out onto the shore. And here I sit, on some wooden bench dedicated in loving memory to some person that meant the world to another. I am actually not far from where, not so long ago, you were standing and filming. I would like to say I randomly picked this spot, but I didn’t. I picked it because it’s something that reminds me of you. I stare blankly at where you would have stood that day. I guess I am hoping that you would magically appear. But you never do. I look to the right, skimming each block of flats until I see the one I am looking for, and I smile. I imagine you that day, sneaking a peak at the exact same spot I am looking at, hoping that you will catch one last glimpse of me before the weekend is over. As much as the thought attempts to warm my heart, all it manages to do is make me sad. I would give everything to go back to that Friday, and make it so that the evening never ends. It was, without a doubt, one of the best days of my life.
It was after then that I knew I no longer had some silly crush on you. It was after then that I knew I loved you. Admitting that to you was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I didn’t know what you would say or how you would react, considering the circumstances. But I did it. Or well, I did a half assed version of it making it sound like I thought I may be in love with you. After that, fate slowly started to intervene. As great as it may have been, things started going downhill. Thinking of it now, it was to be expected. It was a tough situation for me, and as much as you may have known, you didn’t know everything that went on in my mind or heart. I knew even less of what was going on in yours, as you would never let me in. This situation was always so frustrating and I ended up loosing the way to properly handle it. I couldn’t just be friends with you anymore, we went at that option all wrong, and we could never go back to it. I tried so hard to accommodate certain issues and complications that there were between us, just to make it work, all in the meantime the little rope holding me together to “us” started to fizzle away. Yet I could never make you understand that. It seemed to me that you either thought I always contradicted myself because I said things were difficult, but here I still was or you could never grasp that even though it was that difficult for me, I found you worth holding on, and dealing with the pain it brought.
Slowly, whatever it was between us, started to fade away, till the point fate made sure that there will be no “us” anymore. I let out a deep sigh… I will always hate that day it all went pear shaped. Whether it was my fault because of what I said, blurting out the wrong thing to the wrong person without thinking, or our fault. It happened. It was awful. It was over. Even faster than it started. Days I hoped I would wake up and it was all just a bad dream, but I never did, and it never stopped hurting. I didn’t even hate you. There was no hate to dull the sadness. There was anger, yet it never seemed to last. Anger to make me message you as many hurtful things I could master, just so I could tell myself that this situation did not get me down and that you didn’t win. I didn’t mean the things I said, and I will always hope that deep down you would know I didn’t. Then there were days I had a dream that we were okay and everything was sorted and I just didn’t want to ever wake up.
I had a chat with you once about people being so easily replaced. Ironically enough it was one of the many chats that aggravated me. But people are not so easily replaced. Well at least not in all instances. I could never replace you. There will always be that something that made you stood out above the rest. You broke down almost every single wall I built to protect myself from exactly a situation like this. So much about you would be everything I would never look for in a guy, yet there you were, breaking every pointer. There was nothing about you that ever made me like you less. In the time that I got to know you, and had your presence in my life, you never did harm to me, like so many before you did. You have been a surprising oddity in my life. You were able to take my sarcasm, even just handle me for that matter. You were amazing. You were exciting. You were unique in every way.
I never knew what you felt for me, if anything. It’s been one of the greatest mysteries. Sometimes when I think about it, so many things point that you may have had feelings for me of sorts. But then I think, you said so many hurtful things, so many confusing and contradictory things, that I can’t believe that you did. Then I end up wondering what the point of the moments where it did seem like you had feelings? Those moments you were so cute an adorable, where it just clarified once again why it is that I love you. I wish you knew how much I miss talking to you till practically 12am almost every night. That there are moments when I see something on Facebook, and all I want to do is tell you or send you the picture, because I know you would appreciate it, know you would find it funny or appropriate. Your absent presence can definitely be felt. You know what I regret most of all? That I didn’t hug you tighter, that I didn’t hug you longer and appreciated the hug so much more the last day I saw you. All I want is to be able to redo that last hug.
You know, today is a special day, the anniversary of the first day I started talking to your crazy ass. The day it all went down some crazy, yet most amazing spiral. It’s been months now since it all ended, and the crazy thing is, I have thought of you every single day, and I have not stopped loving you any less. I don’t think I could ever completely stop loving you. The most insane thing is that you are probably the first person I have ever truly loved, first person I know for sure that I actually love. At the same time I feel kind of sad that I will never be able to show you just how much…
I slowly come back to reality and wipe away the tears rolling my cheek. This reminds me of you saying that you would never want to make me cry, and I quickly try and stop. Wouldn’t want to disappoint you. So it’s time to move on I tell myself. I may, for now, wish nothing more than have you back in my life, to be able to talk to you again and see those gorgeous blue eyes of yours again, and I may miss you still for a very long time, but it’s time to work on moving on. Facts are the facts, and you are gone, fighting it won’t change it. So I get up, give one last long hard look at the ocean, and I walk away…
“Feet don’t fail me now
Take me to the finish line
Oh my heart it breaks, every step that I take
But I’m hoping at the gates,
They’ll tell me that you’re mine
Walking through the city streets
Is it by mistake or design?
I feel so alone on the Friday nights
Can you make it feel like home
If I tell you you’re mine?
It’s like I told you honey
Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime
Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane, so
Choose your last words
This is the last time
‘Cause you and I
We were born to die”